For many children, losing a pet is often their first experience with death. As a parent, this may be the first time you explain and support your family through a loss. Children have a great advantage to be open about this loss. Pets are often considered as a vital part of the family and the pain is real for everyone. It is important that parents are patient, understanding, reassuring, and kind as the family adjusts to the loss.

Remember that everyone is unique and there is no right or wrong way to experience grief. Children and teens often grieve in bursts, and at other times will need comfort and reassurance in living their normal routines and activities. You are an expert of your child’s personality and will know what is working for him. The age and stage of your children will influence how to explain the pet loss. Children between 3 and 5 years do not understand the permanence of death while a 6 to 8 year old is beginning to understand the finality. After 9 years a child does understand that death is permanent. Fears of future parents or siblings death may arise and reassurance is very important. Generally, younger children show grief in behavior such as seperation anxiety or in their play. Older children can begin to express their grief in words.

Below is a list of a few general suggestions regarding this important family event. 

§  Be honest about what has happened and use simple, clear language to help your child understand the phenomenon of death and its permanence. For example: “ _____’s heart stopped, that he doesn’t’ breathe or sleep anymore, and we won’t see him again”. and invite them to be part of the process if euthanasia is being considered. 

§  Do not be quick to put everything away and consider some sort of memorial service. Do not erase the presence of your pet too soon. 

§  Share memories with each other to keep the legacy alive. Children’s books regarding pet loss are a great resource to spark discussions.

§  It’s helpful to contact the school or daycare or coach to tell them about your child’s loss. 

§  It’s okay to show your sorrow as well. The family has lost an important piece of their life and everyone is upset. This is another way to move together through the loss and model how to handle loss. 

This is a challenging topic to guide your children as their pain is very real. Give everyone time (yes, weeks or months) to mourn and eventually accept this missing member of your home. Your pet’s legacy of love will become a treasured chapter in your family’s history.

Yours in living and loss, Brenda

 References:

Corr, C.A., Corr, Donna M., Doka, Kenneth J. (2019). Death & Dying, Life & Living, 8th Ed., Boston: Cengage.

 Diets. Bob, (2017). Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing your Life after Experiencing Major Loss, 6th ed., Philadelphia: Da Capo Press.

 Doka, Kenneth, J., (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Champagne, Illinois: New Research Publishers.

 Wolfelt, Alan D., (2003). Understanding your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Fort Collins, Colorado: Companion Press.