How long does grief last? Will I always feel out of control? What is the normal stages of grief?

During the first year, there will begin to be spaces between acute grief and then a special day or holiday looms in the future and we get dragged or pushed down the grief pit again. Each of these markers represents a general overview and carries with it the challenges of the initial year.

Initial Few Months

 One of the most common impact loss has upon the person mourning, is a loss of energy. After the funeral arrangements have been completed and the funeral is over, most people are wrung out emotionally and physically. Many caregivers are exhausted at this point because of the years of adjusting to the prolonged losses. Self-care for everyone is very important to not only manage your grief responses but prevent poor health in the coming year.

·      Rest when your body tells you it needs to do so. If you can take time off work or adjust your work schedule to allow for a slower pace please do so.

·      Regular hydration is very important to wash out the stress hormones released during this time of mourning

·      Eat small but nutritious foods. Limit caffeine and avoid alcohol and other drugs to numb your feelings.

·      Movement is helpful. It does not have to be vigorous but just walking around the block everyday does wonders.

·      Nature is a balm not only for the body but the mind and soul.

·      Relaxation techniques ( eg. Mindfulness, guided meditations, prayer ) help manage the intense emotions during these coming months.

·      Grieving is often a time to accept all your feelings and learn that they will not harm you if they are acknowledged and released. It is habit of suppressing emotions that cause harm to our body.

·      Gratitude journal. Yes, keeping your mind and heart open to noticing something good in each day is a powerful antidote to moving through. Life does go on and there is still beauty in the world. Actually any type of journalling is helpful. Writing provides a private way to express what you are thinking and feeling.

Talk to trusted friends or family about your loss and what is happening. You are not going crazy when you experience forgetfulness, confusion, grief attacks, anger or regret.

 The Third Month Anniversary

 Often this is one of the most difficult times of all because all the numb and shock has gone and the full impact of the loss is here. The reality of the loss can hit hard. The comfort of denial is removed any by the repeated daily actions without your person (eg. eating and sleeping alone, sharing the events of your day, filing necessary papers for insurance and taxes). Learning about the numerous ways grief shows in your body and mind removes the panic and fear that you are not okay.

·      This is an optimum time to join a grief support group.

·      Learning about the impact of grief and how to manage is very helpful so if you are not in a group, meet with a grief counsellor for a few meetings to learn more.

·      Keep talking with supportive friends and family but now you also have information about how grief can manifest and how it impacts you right now.

·      Take out a calendar of the upcoming year and circle the following dates listed in this article from the time of death. When your reactions change, you can calm yourself by saying “ It’s three months ( or _______ months) so I’m due for something like this. I’m ok. I’m moving through my grief”.

·      You may want to share these dates and information with your trusted family or friend so they too can remind you of your movement through your grief.

Six to Nine Months

It is during this time that you need to pay more attention to your body and emotions. Due to the increased amount of stress due to your loss, your autoimmune system could be depleted. You could be quite vulnerable to the onset of serious physical illness.

·      Schedule a doctor’s appointment at the 6 month mark in your first year.

·      If you have not done so already, implementing a regular self care routine is very important: healthy diet, hydration, movement, sleep, connecting with others,

·      If you have not been part of a grief group, this is an excellent time to receive maximum value in joining such a group.

·      Creating a grief space in your home. This can simply be a comfortable chair in a quiet room or corner of your home. During this time is when you can fully express your grief. You may have photographs or mementos of your beloved along with candles to light as a ritual beginning and closing your time.

 One Year Anniversary

 You will have no problem anticipating the upcoming anniversary date because the time, the weather, the place, and many other details arise unconsciously surrounding your date. If there was a prolonged illness the details of the final dying weeks and days are remembered. If it was a sudden loss, the memories before the loss are also vivid.  Approaching and moving through this date can be profoun. It is proof you have survived an entire year without someone who was as important to you as life itself.

·      Anticipating the one-year anniversary can be more stressful than the date itself. Increase your self care.

·      Often a mixture of sadness and hope is part of the anniversary. The loss is so clearly felt and how much this still hurts.

·      But you have made it through a full year and if you allow it, hope for the future can be also felt.

·      Mark the date in a special way

o   If you work, take the day off and spend time with friends or family

o   Look at photos and videos to think about and talk about your loss

o   Make phone calls or send thank you notes to all the people who helped you through the year

o   Create a memorial in your yard  that signifies the legacy of your person ( eg. Plant a tree or flowers, buy a stepping stone)

o  Set a few goals for the upcoming months and year

Congratulations you have survived this very painful and challenging year. The next blog will outline more markers in the second and third years of mourning.

Yours in living and loss, Brenda

 References

Diets. Bob, (2017). Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing your Life after Experiencing Major Loss, 6th ed., Philadelphia: Da Capo Press.