Everything reminds me of my loss. Yes, that’s the grief pain of secondary losses caused by the death, divorce, break up. It’s the subtle little events of everyday life that repeatedly pokes and pushes triggers of the emotional loss. Secondary losses are the changes or absence of routines, conversations, or experiences once my person (or pet) is there no longer. The loss is felt again and again. It feels like the grief is sneaking up and blindsiding me all the time, especially in those first months and year.

All losses have a ripple effect on the progression of grief. It is the repetition that pushes me to finally realize and accept that my beloved is gone and not coming back. Ever. It is these everyday sorrows that calls me to acknowledge my feelings and take time to feel them, sit with them, honour them. Pushing away or suppressing pain is a common reaction that does not help. It is in the intentional watching and responding to the pain that helps lessen the intensity and frequency. That is what takes courage and strength. Sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone I trusted felt like a lighthouse of hope. I knew someone else had walked this path and survived, so I could too. Thank you Linda and Tammy!

It takes time readjusting to the added responsibilities in my life. Often this is where I became annoyed, and sometimes angry that my beloved left me to do all this by myself!! Now, I had to find someone to do my income tax, change the tires on my SUV, trim the trees, put up the Christmas tree, help me with my computer. ( I know I mentioned this already, but this was really annoying!!) Once I became better able to sit with my grief, my journey changed. I moved toward accepting that life would never be the same. That I would never be the same. And this is when I realized that becoming a widow was similar to how I changed when I became a mother. Again, there was both an internal and external shift in the trajectory of my life. I now lived in the world and experienced everything as a mother. I was no longer the same. Just like now.

Somehow this understanding and remembering the previous seismic shift of motherhood calmed me and encouraged me. I had done this before and all was well. Even though I really didn’t know how to be a mother I fumbled along and it worked out. Yes, I remember being this this place. So many emotions and new routines in each day. Forty years ago I joined the Sisterhood of Mothers. I was not alone. Now I have joined the Sisterhood of Widows and am not alone either. So, I am reinventing myself once again. Sigh. I did that after divorce, after a critical health scare, after addictions in the family. Yes. I knew how to stumble through transformation.

As I share this process, it sounds so linear and simple. It’s not. Such intense feelings to understand and accept. So many habits and beliefs to unlearn before moving into the new. In all situations, there were a couple years of one-day-at-a-times to crawl through, then stumble through, before I felt like I was even walking. My usual enthusiasm took many months to spark and ignite. But it did. Finally. Gradually. Looking back it was the critical gift of accepting and being at peace with the losses that moved me through. Yes, those secondary losses still creep up, but now I know what to say. “Hello Grief. I feel you. Sit down beside me and let me listen to the love that still remains”.

Yours in living and loss, Brenda

References;

Boss, Pauline, Ambiguous Loss: learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, (1999). Cambridge: Harvard University Press. 

Corr, C.A., Corr, Donna M., Doka, Kenneth J. (2019.) Death & Dying, Life & Living, 8th Ed., Boston: Cengage.

 Diets. Bob, (2017). Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing your Life after Experiencing Major Loss, 6th ed., Philadelphia: Da Capo Press.

 Doka, Kenneth, J., (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Champagne, Illinois: New Research Publishers.

 Wolfelt, Alan D., (2003). Understanding your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Fort Collins, Colorado: Companion Press.