When we are thrust into these events of loss, our lack of knowledge and misconceptions become apparent. These myths can increase the difficulty in moving through grief. Debunking our false expectations is a good place to begin understanding and adjusting to our new reality.

1.   IT WILL EVENTUALLY END.

Depending on the intensity of relationship and manner of death, the grief will always be there. What happens is that your capacity to hold this grief increases with time. The love you had continues in your heart without so much pain. Initially, it will take more energy than you would ever possibly imagine. Grief is not linear. There is no clear line of when a stage is completed. But the intensity and unpredictability goes away and you learn to move forward into this world without your loved one.

2.   IT’S JUST ABOUT THE PERSON WHO DIED.

Nope, your grief will involve mourning not only the actual person who died, but also for all the hopes, dream,s and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person. You will mourn for the needs that will go unmet because of the death. There are many layers to your loss. And it takes time to acknowledge and accept the loss.

3.   IT SHOULD BE OVER BY NOW. And the MYTH OF CLOSURE.

Everyone has their unique timeline for adjusting to the loss. Five critical factors that influence the experiences of bereavement and grief are: 1. the nature of the prior attachment; 2. the way in which the loss occurred and the present circumstances of the bereaved person; 3. coping strategies used by the bereaved person; 4. the developmental situation of the bereaved person and; 5. the nature of support available for the bereaved person.

4.   I’M NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE. WHAT HAPPENED

You may have some identity confusion as a result of the loss. You may experience reactions that are quite unfamiliar to you. With so many reactions to loss, you may feel as if you are going crazy. Pauline Boss lists 6 processes to strengthen our reilisiency. a. Finding meaning b. Mastery of paradox c. Reconstructing identity, d. Normalize ambivalence, e. Revisit Attachment and f. Discover Hope.

Learning about expressions and styles and models of grief really can give a person reassurance that they are very normal and doing well. Debunking these myths can give a person a greater sense of calm and confidence.

Yours in Living and Loss,

Brenda