Loss of a Pet - Is The Grief Real?

Pet loss is a legitimate and valid cause of grief. If a person has emotionally bonded with a pet or service animal, its death can be comparable to the grief felt with the death of a human loved one. The death can be felt more intensely when the owner has made a decision to end the pet’s life through euthanasia. However, some pet owners may feel unable to express their loss due to social customs and beliefs surrounding pet death. When the pet owner internalizes this grief, the suffering increases. There can be two challenging types of grief in the loss of a pet: anticipatory grief and then disenfranchised grief. Let’s discuss each and how to cope with this sorrow.

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

 Compassion and support is given to caregivers who live with chronic and terminal illnesses like dementia, Alzheimer’s, or cancer. It is proven that this is the very painful form of early grief. This response to the impending death is the same for pet owners. Anticipatory grief begins while your pet is still alive, yet unwell. Bargaining, searching for solutions, sorrow, anger, and denial are the roller coaster of emotions felt during this waiting period. The anguish of this loss is that you know the final outcome, but often not when. Even if you are making a choice, dealing with guilt and shame may be part of the anticipatory loss. Eventually you come to some sort of acceptance and make the arrangements. Or your beloved pet dies before this happens.

 Anticipatory loss is very real. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends or family may lessen the burden of watching your beloved pet decline. Believing that you need to be strong, or that this is not an important loss will only increase the intensity of your grief. Death is death. Loss is loss. Grief is grief.

 A HIDDEN SORROW CALLED DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF

 This type of grief is complicated by the very fact that others do not validate the reason or circumstances of this sorrow. Hence, the bereaved person feels guilt, shame, or confusion, in addition to the shock, denial, depression, anger of the actual loss. Some examples of disenfranchised grief are: death of same sex partners, romantic breaks, shunning those with disabilities, missing women and children, loss by suicide, homicide, or overdose and yes, pet loss. Very often, pet loss is hidden or dismissed by others and the bereaved. That’s when the loss can become complicated.

 BEREAVED PET OWNERS: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

 The key to coping with loss is accepting the range of emotions that occur, Often this is a very difficult process and if a person is not comfortable with painful emotions, or has suppressed feelings from the past, makes for a long process. Elizabeth Kubler Ross seminal book On Death and Dying (1969) outlined 5 stages and emotions of grief that occurs: shock and denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. These stages are not linear but cyclical and erratic, so it takes time to feel and accept the intensity of each part of the process.

Some recommended self-care suggestions include:

1.   Set aside the time to grieve in your own way and release your emotions

2.   Take time to reflect upon the life shared by writing about cherished memories. .

3.   Take care of your basic needs. Eat healthy food, sleep,

4.   Choose a calming practice and use it frequently

5.   Memorialize the memory and love of your pet

6.   Reach out to understanding friends or relatives

 Grief can make us feel very alone. Social support is key for all mourners but is often absent when it comes to the loss of a pet. The internet abounds with support in the form of hotlines and online forums.  Books on pet loss are published regularly. Group counselling is often available in larger centres that targets pet loss. These specialized groups offer critical validation and support easing a pervasive sense of isolation. As in all grief we mourn in community and there is a widening support that understands your pain and recognizes the importance of grief for your pet.

 CLOSING THOUGHTS

Often pet owners experience prolonged grief because it begins when they are caregiving their dying pet. And continues once their pet has died.  In the past, loss of a pet or companion animal has not been appreciated or supported which can cause people to hide their grief and increase their suffering. As in all bereavement, self-care practices are helpful to first cope and later adjust to a new normal. Pet loss is a legitimate and valid cause of grief. Sharing your memories and reaching out for support is valid.

 Yours in living and loss, Brenda

References:

 Boss, Pauline, Ambiguous Loss: learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, (1999). Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Corr, C.A., Corr, Donna M., Doka, Kenneth J. (2019.) Death & Dying, Life & Living, 8th Ed., Boston: Cengage.

 Diets. Bob, (2017). Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing your Life after Experiencing Major Loss, 6th ed., Philadelphia: Da Capo Press.

 Doka, Kenneth, J., (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Champagne, Illinois: New Research Publishers.

 Wolfelt, Alan D., (2003). Understanding your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Fort Collins, Colorado: Companion Press.