Death of a Parent

Although it is the natural order of life to expect your parents to die before you, many people are surprised by the complexity and depth of their grief when a parent dies. The death of a parent is a milestone in your life just as marriage, birth of children, or retirement. With the death of a parent there is a fundamental change in your identity and in the family structure which governs future dynamics.

Adults expect that losing a husband, wife or partner is considered major bereavement. However, the grief you feel as an adult when your parent dies is very real and also a major loss. As adults, we have put the world of childhood behind us, but we still remain our parent’s child. Memories and feelings can run deep and a parent’s death can uncover a sense of vulnerability. You may be feeling lost or uncertain without their wisdom or guidance . Your parents are your own personal link with your life story beginning with your childhood. Your parents were an integral part of that story and their absence makes this loss very unique.

Thus, the death of your mother or father is a special loss. Your personal landscape and identity has shifted and you are now motherless or fatherless. The grief that occurs depends on many factors such as the closeness of your recent relationship, what happened in your childhood and the present circumstances of your life. Your grief may not be straightforward but deep and painful if these issues make up the tapestry of this relationship. No matter what the circumstances or age of your parent, this loss is intense and deep.

Let’s start with considering your feelings about your parent’s death.

Unfortunately, death and how it happened is not always peaceful. In the early weeks and months after your parent’s death, you may be distressed about the way it happened, especially with the current pandemic isolating families from their loved one. If you parent died alone, suddenly, in pain, in an undignified manner, or without you by their side are important contributing factors into your anguish regarding how death occurred.

The very nature of grief is that is opens a floodgate of complicated, often conflicting emotions. And everyone reacts to grief in different ways, but everyone does have feelings. The relationship with your parent might have had lots of difficulties, but it still created a critical key to your identity. Some emotions that can be felt are; anger or frustration, guilt, shock and numbness, confusion disbelief, or a sense of unreality, hopelessness, despair, and even physical pain. You may think that denying these feelings would hasten the grieving process, but actually this can slow it down.

Coping with parental loss is a huge topic and many books have been written about this. I have listed just a few below for further reading. There is also online support groups available.

Yours in living and loss, Brenda

References:

When your parent Dies: Insights for bereaved adults. (2000).Richmond, Surrey: Cruse Bereavement Care.

Courneau, G. (2018). Absent fathers, lost sons: The search for masculine identity. Shambala Publications.

Diets. B.,(2017). Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing your Life after Experiencing Major Loss, 6th ed., Philadelphia: Da Capo Press.

Edelman, H. (2007). Motherless mothers: How losing a mother shapes the parent you become. New York: Harper Perennial.

Edelman, H. (2014). Motherless daughters: Legacy of loss. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

Edelman, H. (12014). Letters from a motherless daughters: Words of courage, grief, and healing. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

Finch, J. (2017). The father effect: Hope and healing from a dad’s absence.