Me: I’d like to interview a common loss among many adults and that is Divorce Grief. Because this is such a huge topic, I will likely have to ask for another visit. But for today I will focus on the couple. And from personal experience I know that any grief journey, no matter the loss, is personal and unique. Yet the cause of the loss can tremendously impact the unfolding adjustments.

Divorce Grief: Yes, I’m a big loss that impacts so many people at once. Of course the primary people are the couple and their children. But the extended family and of course, friends are also caught in the repercussions of the loss.

Me: What would you say makes the loss from divorce unique?

Divorce Grief: Well, it’s the marriage that has ended but everyone involved is still alive. So it’s hard to separate the daily physical loss from the necessary actions of adjusting to the absence of the person.

Me: A lot of pain for everyone. Messy. Loud. Excruciating pain. I’m going to try to focus on the couple in this interview and then invite you back to talk about the children's grief when their parents divorce.

Divorce Grief: Sounds good. You’re so right that the pain of the loss and the adjustment happens for everyone.

Me: Let’s focus on the loss of relationship between the couple. Where do we start?

Divorce Grief: Well the couple is not in the same place in their reactions to the loss. Usually the person who initiates the separation or divorce has already begun the grieving process while still in the marriage. …………

Me: I never thought of that. I always thought everyone was moving through this together.

Divorce Grief: The major feelings of grief are denial and confusion, shock, sadness, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance. The thinking parts of grief only occurs when you make the adjustments and eventually look for meaning in the relationship. The person who is considering the ending may take years of internal struggle. But the person who is receiving the notice that their partner is leaving begins this process with this information.

Me: That’s interesting yet this can be very complicated. How Bargaining may occur in the form of attempting to strengthen the marriage and avert the ending. Depression and anger may also be expressed by not honestly connected to the grief of feeling that the hopes of the marriage is being lost. By making the decision to end the marriage. Or act out by having an affair which could act as the official action to give notice that there is little emotional attachment to the partner.

Yours in living and loss, Brenda