How to Support Others

When someone we care about is grieving, it can leave us feeling helpless. We want to fix it, make it better, take away their pain—but grief isn’t something that can be fixed. It’s something that must be lived through, in all its painful complexity. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably someone who wants to show up well for a friend or family member who’s grieving. That’s a beautiful intention.

 But intention alone doesn’t always translate into helpful action. So often, I hear people say, “I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.” Or, “I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I stayed away.” And while these reactions come from a place of wanting to be respectful, they can leave grieving people feeling even more isolated.

 So how do you actually support someone who is grieving? Not just for a moment, but in a meaningful, lasting way?

 Start by Showing Up

 Grief can feel like being dropped into another world—everything is unfamiliar, and the old rules no longer apply. In that landscape, having someone simply be there can be profoundly grounding. You don’t need to have the perfect words. In fact, sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here with you.”

 Silence isn’t always a gap that needs to be filled. Just sitting beside someone—offering your presence without pressure—can be a quiet act of love. Maybe you bring over a cup of tea. Maybe you sit together in shared stillness. These small things matter more than you might think.

 Listen Without Needing to Fix

 Grief is not a problem to be solved. It’s a process to be honored. When someone is grieving, what they most need is space to feel what they feel. That might be sadness, anger, guilt, numbness—often, it’s a tangle of all of the above. Resist the urge to jump in with solutions or silver linings. Avoid phrases like “At least they’re in a better place,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” These well-meaning words often land as dismissive.

 Instead, try:
“That sounds so hard.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“Would you like to talk about them?”

 And if they don’t want to talk, respect that too. Just letting someone know that you’re available, that you’re a safe place to land, gives them permission to be where they are.

 Be Specific in Your Offers

 Many grieving people hear, “Let me know if you need anything.” While kind, this can unintentionally place a burden on them. In the fog of grief, decision-making and reaching out for help can feel impossible. Instead, offer something concrete:
“Can I bring over dinner on Tuesday?”
“I’m heading to the store—what can I pick up for you?”
“Would it help if I took the kids for a few hours this weekend?”

These gestures reduce the pressure on the grieving person to figure out how you can help, and make it easier for them to say yes to the support they may desperately need.

 Understand That Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline

 Grief isn’t linear, and it doesn’t adhere to a schedule. You may find your loved one doing “better” one day, and then overcome by sadness the next. There’s no expiration date on grief, and no straight path through it.

 Be mindful that support is often abundant in the early days after a loss—but it tends to wane over time. Check in weeks or months later, not just in the immediate aftermath. A simple message—“I was thinking about you today,” or “How are you doing these days?”—can mean the world.

 Remember the Person Who Died

 Many grieving people are afraid their loved one will be forgotten. Don’t be afraid to say their name, to share your memories, to talk about who they were. You won’t be “reminding” the grieving person of their loss—they haven’t forgotten. More often, your stories will be received as a gift.

 You might say, “I was remembering the time they…” or “I still think about their laugh.” These moments let the grieving person know that their loved one’s life still matters to others, that their memory lives on in community.

 Support Looks Different Over Time

 In the early days, grief often needs softness—meals dropped off, errands handled, quiet companionship. Later, support might look more like inviting them out, helping them reengage with the world, or just sitting with them as they figure out who they are now.

Keep tuning in. Keep asking (gently), “What would feel helpful right now?” Keep showing up, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when the grief feels messy. Because it is. And that’s okay.

 Be Patient, Be Present, Be Willing

 Supporting someone who’s grieving isn’t about having the right answers. It’s about making space—for their pain, their memories, their anger, their tears. It’s about staying close without crowding, and stepping back without disappearing.

It’s a slow, steady presence. It’s not flashy. It doesn’t need to be perfect. But it is deeply needed.

 So if you’re showing up, if you’re trying, if you’re wondering how to do better—you’re already on the right path. Keep walking it with compassion and care. Your love matters more than you may ever know.

Yours in living and loss, Brenda