Losses without Death
We usually think of grief in terms of the primary loss such as when a person has died. But there’s losses such as divorce, living with addictions or mental health in the family, moving, and chronic health issues that do not include death. These hidden consequences of a changing life circumstance are called the secondary losses. They may include loss of financial security, loss of support system, loss of income, loss of identity, loss of the dreams for the future, loss of faith, and loss of confidence.
Let’s see how these show up in a few types of loss:
Caregiving: Caring for someone with dementia or alzehimer’s is most challenging in that your responsibilities are expanding as the abilities of your loved one diminishes. What was previously shared division of labor in running a home is now becoming fully your responsibility. Daily tasks and repairs around the house and yard, attention to finance are some of the chores you will need to complete. The future always looms with lost dreams and plans and sometimes worries. Combined, these add up to a heavy emotional, physical, and mental load.
Divorce: Financial implications are very immediate, sale of the home can be a huge emotional loss to all the family members, loss of the in-laws and other family members changes the previous support system, confidence and self worth can take a real hit which takes some time to renew, loss of future dreams as a couple and family is certainly a huge loss and faith can be shaken during the divorce process.
Health issues: Not everyone has health benefits from their workplace so money is a real concern, the future as planned can now be in jeopardy, physical identity as a capable and reliable person needs to change, friends drop by the wayside as they continue with their busy and active life, accepting that ‘normal’ activities have to be modified or dropped is very difficult, the question “ Why me?” can cause anger and resentment towards a Higher Power, God, Allah, etc.
Aging: Moving from your home or farm because of the need for medical services can be devastating. The emotional loss of a home is often overlooked. Many people have raised their family and lived in the same home for decades. Learning new streets and where new services like the grocery stores and pharmacies are hard and only remind a person of what has been lost. With aging, the ability to hold a drivers licence can also be taken away which is a huge loss of freedom and autonomy. Overall, there may be a loss of confidence and purpose that weighs heavily on a person’s changing identity.
Other examples of loss that does not include death is incarceration, addiction, family member serving in war zones, and refugees and immigrants moving to a new country.
The grief in these non-death losses are as valid as the grief caused by death. Get support and learn about grief in all its forms as a way to strengthen and provide knowing that you are experiencing grief. You too need to create your coping kit to first manage the stressful situation to eventually move from the old you to the new you.
Yours in living and loss,
Brenda