Although it is the natural order of life to expect your parents to die before you, many people are surprised by the complexity and depth of their grief when it happens. The death of a parent is a milestone in your life just as marriage, birth of children, or retirement. With the death of a parent there is a fundamental change in your identity and in the family structure.

Year 2 of grief is often called the “lonely year”. Many people think that once surviving the first year, and yes, it does feel like you are just hanging by your fingernails, the rest will be easy. Often I hear “I feel like I’m starting all over again” .You aren’t. This is a good time to rejoin a support group or a grief retreat.

How long does grief last? Will I always feel out of control? What is the normal stages of grief?

During the first year, there will begin to be spaces between acute grief and then a special day or holiday looms in the future and we get dragged or pushed down the grief pit again. Each of these markers represents a general overview and carries with it the challenges of the initial year.

Everything reminds me of my loss. Yes, that’s the grief pain of secondary losses caused by the death, divorce, break up. It’s the subtle little events of everyday life that repeatedly pokes and pushes triggers of the emotional loss. Secondary losses are the changes or absence of routines, conversations, or experiences once my person (or pet) is there no longer. The loss is felt again and again. It feels like the grief is sneaking up and blindsiding me all the time, especially in those first months and year.

What is meant by anticipatory grief? It is normal to feel grief whenever there is a loss. What is puzzling is that anticipatory grief begins before a death when aspects of the previous life is lost to the disease. The technical term is ambiguous loss when a person is physically present but mentally lost. Addictions, mental psychosis, dementia, or Alzheimers’s are examples of ambiguous loss. Yes, grief can begin without a death.

Losing a pet is a valid form of loss and grief. It is often explained that a pet becomes a member of the family so no wonder its absence is felt deeply. Our life and home are not the same without our pet’s presence. Often, we have lived with our pet for years and our routine has been shaped by its presence. Pets are a constant and loving companion to families and singles. Loving and loss go hand in hand. This declaration is a list of statements to guide you in your grief.

As Easter approaches, I find myself with less energy and feeling melancholy. I asked myself, “What’s going on?” and then I said the magic words…. “This is my Grief. Hello Grief!”

Companionship. Daily routines. Laughter. Exercise. New friends at the dog park. Living with a purpose. Life with a pet is a source of health and joy for many elders and singles. Cats, dogs, rabbits, horses, and other pets can reduce loneliness and depression, along with easing anxiety. And then all these benefits are gone.

For many children, losing a pet is often their first experience with death. As a parent, this may be the first time you explain and support your family through a loss.

Pet loss is a legitimate and valid cause of grief. If a person has emotionally bonded with a pet or service animal, its death can be comparable to the grief felt with the death of a human loved one. The death can be felt more intensely when the owner has made a decision to end the pet’s life through euthanasia. However, some pet owners may feel unable to express their loss due to social misconceptions surrounding pet death. When the pet owner internalizes this grief, their suffering increases.

When we are thrust into the events of loss, our lack of knowledge and misconceptions become apparent. These myths can increase the difficulty in moving through grief. Shining a light on expectations that are not helpful is a good place to begin understanding and adjusting to your new reality.

Before I was widowed, I thought grieving was just lots of crying. And it is. But I found out that it is so much more. 

Just like our fingerprints, our grieving is individual.

There is a constellation of symptoms that will be unique to you. As you navigate through the landscape of you grief, life can be very chaotic and upsetting. It’s certainly ok that you’re not ok. 

The following list may suprise and overwhelm you in the length of symptoms. You certainly won’t experience everything here. Remember, your grief shows in your own way. Easy does it.